I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
You Might Also Like
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus