Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
termite twitter scares me
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis