@Underchilde: When couples tell me they're taking their relationship to the next level, I just assume they’re gonna start throwing cutlery at each other.
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@MableGertrude: Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: "Jesus, please make me a better person..." Jesus: *deletes my account* Me: "NOT LIKE THAT!"