Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.