@Underchilde: When couples tell me they're taking their relationship to the next level, I just assume they’re gonna start throwing cutlery at each other.
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@thatUPSdude: That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.
@SalaciousSully: Dear Americans: It's called snow. It's cold and wet, but can't hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada
@BradNewsBears: Cashier: Hello Me: Is it me your looking for... I can see it in your eyes.. Cashier:... Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
@AliceGolightly_: Me: You've dimmed the lights already, aren't we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.