when dads have a rap battle
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
#Caturday
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.