When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.