A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps