Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I need better friends
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Women鈥檚 magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don鈥檛 threaten me with a good time. I won鈥檛 come back
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I鈥檒l handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it鈥檚 my birthday 馃檪
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Someone in my daughter鈥檚 class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine鈥檚 Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 馃お
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He鈥檚 married with 3 great kids and a home now & I鈥檓 alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I鈥檓 still the one making better choices
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They鈥檙e about to hop off my face & maul someone.