When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
they split up moments later
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.