When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐