[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
*puts my mental health in rice
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…