Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo