When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.