When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
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Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…