When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave