When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating