When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
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20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof