When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
You Might Also Like
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
asked my bf how work was today