I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Stop it! 😂
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!