GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
respect
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree