When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor