When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
WHO DID THIS?
I hate my earbuds.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
5 ways to appear taller
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT