@weinerdog4life: When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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@Prof_Hinkley: Friend: are you ready for our hike? Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
@astutenewf: *boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
@GrantTanaka: Barista: name? Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch Barista [writes "Benedict Cumberbatch"] Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit