When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Twitter fine art
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself