@duplicitron: When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.
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@juneohara65: The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
@TheBoydP: *spins in circles* *dies* *gets stuck in corner* *dies* *spins in circle* *dies* [Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
@Douchekevin: She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips. I asked what kind of pizza it was. I woke up outside with a concussion
@simoncholland: My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it's my fault.