Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Birds & Planes.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.