Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists