When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
You Might Also Like
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.