Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.