@XplodingUnicorn: When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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@BuckyIsotope: This little piggy went to the market This little piggy stayed home This little piggy spread a swine flu virus And killed 250 million people
@TheMichaelRock: All the good guys aren't taken; they're at the bar on Tuesday nights. Trust me. I'm a stranger on the internet.
@iwearaonesie: *comes home from work *wife jumps in my arms *sees I'm crying wife: Why are you crying? me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack