When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
cat vs inanimate object
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?