@XplodingUnicorn: When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
@gorrdano: When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
@rachelaxler: he literally just said, "everyone's saying i won the debate." is it possible...hear me out...trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
@ShortSleeveSuit: [watching The Silence of the Lambs] Me: Hear that? Her: No Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs