When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage