When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.