@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: [reading online survey] Are you ready to double your satisfaction? My god this sounds wildly inappropriate. *clicks yes*
@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"
@radtoria: Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and