@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.
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@thepatrickwalsh: "Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
@AGreaterMonster: As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I'm just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.
@DamienFahey: "VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!" - Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
@Brianhopecomedy: *presses wheelchair accessible button* *rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector* "We're here for a haircut."