2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
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My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
screw you
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
This makes total sense…