When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.