“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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me doing my best
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
それは草
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
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