When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
that colleague who touches your screen
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.