when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Breaking news:
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.