When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know