ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
You Might Also Like
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
secret recipe
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan