@DurtMcHurtt: When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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@howe007: Women’s magazines: Page 5: accept yourself for who you are Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week Page 12: best cake recipe
@hippieswordfish: DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there
@crouton_futon: "Oh shit I murdered someone" "You should turn yourself into the police" "Great idea!" *puts on badge and hat* "Looks like a suicide to me"