People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
You deplete me
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl