When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
You Might Also Like
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”