When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.