When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Spell check is for lasers.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Admin smashed it 😂
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.