when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*