When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
You Might Also Like
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid