When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
couldn’t resist
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Labreador
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.