When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”