@LoveNLunchmeat: When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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@lynyrdsbackyard: I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
@tastefactory: [on plane] Me: It's ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I'm a hippo btw Me: Nooooo
@Unathi_: That annoying moment when the video starts with "Don't try this at home" so you have to go next door smh
@jwoodham: Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can't and they don't, so here we are. Stupid land birds.