@LoveNLunchmeat: When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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@johntabin: Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
@Rollinintheseat: I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
@boring_as_heck: [mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good
@MattMcElaney: 10 years ago parents were like "be careful what you put on the web" and we were all "lol. old people." now none of us can ever be President.