When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That