Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.