When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
The USS B port
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…