When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
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