Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
So creative 😂
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no