When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!